that. is. awesome.

sticky bee sez:

spanky!

you've outdone yourself tonight. i just got home from class and was in a bit of a foul mood and i open up the blog to see this flying trike that we can co-pilot. amazing. it's fully attainable, this goal. the jetpack will always be a goal but it's a difficult one. the trike? way more our speed. can you photoshop us into the picture? with 50s in hand. giving the thumbs-up. visualize and it will be so.

also - i'm always afraid that i'll burst out laughing in class when everything is quiet. one time we watched an older video where the term 'retarded' was used a few times in reference to learning disabled children. i'm miles away from any sort of maturity level that would enable me to think that wasn't hilarious. or like the last time i flew home and i was sitting between two strangers and i was reading a book that was funny. i knew i was going to lose it so i put the book away and sat staring at the seat in front of me. then i burst out laughing and didn't stop until i was crying. my seat partners coughed and pretended to adjust their seatbelts. it was all very awkward. see, it would have been better had i at least kept the book open - so that i didn't look like a total maniac.

i was thinking tonight about the things that NEVER FAIL to make me laugh. in the most inappropriate situations. name one and you win a free pogo.

love you,
sticky bee

time to lower our standards.

Hmm. cursory online research indicates there are even fewer jetpacks now then there were when we set that goal almost two years ago (remember the heady days of easter weekend, 2005?)

There's, like, five jetpacks in the world. and one jetpack pilot. (it seems that diddy had a stunt pilot.)

i say we set our sights on something like this. Tandem trike. perfect for us. tandem, so we can both go up together, and trike, a nod to our well-established, shared retardation.


There's a company in Toronto that does it. hahah. can you imaging flying, and looking over, and i'm your co-pilot? and naturally, i'm hammered.

campaigning against earth day,
spanky

and russian rocket boots.

sticky bee sez:

dear homeless-kicker,

i see that you are still a big fat republican who doesn't care about the po' and the 'environment.' selfish. and racist.

i forgot about how much you heart the olympics. it's just because it gives you lots of tv-time. you feel like you're 'active' while you cheer on the gay bobsledders, mildly drunk on 50s. i know you.

but you DID mention jetpacks and that pleases me greatly. it made my day. i still want my legs so i'm waiting for a jet-pack that will not scorch mine to a crisp. we are supposed to have one by next year, spanks! it's on our list. i haven't even seen one in real life. maybe i'll look into those russian rocket boots again. so i can take one giant leap on them before slamming myself into a fatal head-butt with a tree.

a person who cares about others,
sticky bee

jet packs are for people who don't want their legs anymore.

Dear boring hippie,

Take your socialist garbage elsewhere.

I looove the olympics and am glad there is a clock to help me count down to the games. also, i have very fond elementary school memories of colouring the rodeo bear mascots from the '88 calgary games. i was first enraptured by the games while watching the '84 LA games' walking race. all that wiggling. i remember it like it was yesterday. also: do i need to remind you that the LA games' opening ceremony featured a jet pack?

a jet pack, sticky. a jet pack.

in closing, you are a gay.

-spankee

sticky's weekly sting-in-the-eye.

sticky's weekly sting-in-the-eye.

dear spanks,

there are many things, as you know, that leave me swearing and muttering like some of my special bus-friends. i'm going to dedicate a sting-in-the-eye to one of these things once a week. it will keep me better suited for polite society.

my first painful, burning sting-in-the eye will be devoted to the olympics. besides spitting every time i hear the word or muttering "i hate the effing olympics" under my breath while people talk about how much business it's going to bring vancouver i would like to write a little about why the olympics deserve a sting-in-the-eye and a kick in the privates.

i object to the general undeserved hysteria that surrounds the coming-together of different people from different countries to throw heavy objects, swim back and forth, jump over (deliberately-placed) hurdles, act gay on toboggans, and skate around looking like transvestites from the 1970s. hysteria. i mean, it is 3 years away and i hear the word 'olympics' at least three times a week. a clock has been erected downtown counting down the THREE YEARS until the olympics. that does not seem right. in fact, it seems the very opposite of right.

i remember my teacher devoting an entire month to the olympics in grade school. i had to do a big dumb useless project on bobsledding and i had to colour the five rings for the title page. the point of this exercise could only have been to attempt to brainwash a class full of kids into syrupy, sentimental patriotism and blind allegiance to 'the spirit of the games.' months we spent learning about the different sports in the olympics. i hated it then in a vague sort of way - it just smelled fishy to me, like the hand of a politician.

now i hate it in a much more specific way. although it DOES still smell of a reeking politician.

vancouver got the games and this is what that means:

1. OLYMPICS ON STOLEN NATIVE LAND, ECOLOGICAL DESTRUCTION

2. THE PO-PO: 10,000 POLICE, SECURITY PERSONNEL

3. HOMELESSNESS & POVERTY: exacerbated by the destruction of low-income hotels for up-scale acommodations, and social cuts

4. BIG WINNERS! (PROBABLY NOT YOU): the rich and richer are the winners again. you. are. the. loser. any trickle-down money will be hugely off-set by the billions of dollars of public money spent on construction, olympic venues etc. and the environmental degradaton, of course.

"It's (the Olympics) got to to with land swaps, exchanging worthless land for valuable land, wealthy developers and the enrichment of billionaires." --Senator John McCain

there is much more, of course. but that will be all.

a big, sticky sting-in-the-eye to the olympics.

buzz.
sticky bee

mr. led's knee.

kegger. awesome. i wish i was drunk right now. and eating some food. eating while drunk is awesome.

you know what i'm on to now? shredded wheat. and thus, my transformaton to a full 80-year-old-woman is complete. i also bot some steel cut oatmeal the other day. have you tried this? i haven't tried it yet but it's supposed to be, like, a totally different oatmeal experience. and by 'different' i mean 'wicked'. (stay tuned for spanky's weekly high-fibre breakfast cereal review.)

in other news, i rim-rolled a free coffee today. i can't believe you think 'yogurt and berries' is a gross phrase, but you're a-okay with a nation-wide contest with 'rim' in the title.

also: you and doug are married. and on the side, led's dad is totally taking you over his knee. there is also a ketchup bottle involved.

heh.

-sPANKo

over his knee.

sticky bee says:

dear spanky millionaire,

you talked to led! isn't that great? her and spenny are solid. when i hear that they're getting married i know it's for keeps. when i hear of most other couples getting married i generally think ... 'two...maybe three years away from a divorce....'

we talked about some of the details - it will be casual, many kegs, big party. in calgary. we joked about her in a veil with a train. i'm sure she'll wear something simple - and change into her *good jeans* immediately after the ceremony. also - he proposed outside on his knee and she cried. that's what i know.

i see you made a comment about me diddling led's dad. while i'm generally game for any kind of perverse dad jokes i'm afraid that i have to draw the line with that guy. he is off-limits. you hear me, spank? he is ten kinds of wrong.

and in response to new-years-doug. he's a nice guy. a little too 'khaki' for me. i'm afraid i would be worlds too much for him to handle. you know what i'm talking about. ahem. and also: i need someone gregarious. that's what cat says. it's hard to meet a gregarious guy. confidence, strength. balls the size of grapefruits. someone who is that guy at the party who is really funny and always talking but has a brooding side as well. someone who can convincingly take me over his knee, if you will.

new-years-doug is not gregarious. or...the rest.

neck nuzzles,
sticky bee

also:

$10 says you diddle led's dad (again) at the reception.

also: you know who's probably a great kisser? new-year-doug. When are you two going to get married? bulldog suggested we set new-year-doug up with cousin-wendy, but i wouldn't hear of it. he is for you.

xo,
spank

beetails.

Awesome! this is ten kinds of eggciting. so much eggciting. oh lord. what a surprise.
eeeeeeeee!

so, at first my thoughts turned to what she will wear. led in a wedding dress? and . . . heels? and fancy earrings and shit? soo weird. please, please tell me you've already talked to her about all the details and can illuminate me. we just had a quick chat last night before she went out. will she instead wear her good jeans? i guess i can kind of see her in, like, a long, simple silk slip dress. for some reason, i can totally see her carrying whatever kind of fancy bouquet, no problem. of course, she'll look super hot. but i will still laugh and laugh. and cry. and wet myself.

and then, i couldn't believe i had devoted so much thought to the dress when the real issue here is clearly the terminal health problems i will contend with in wake of the bachelorette party. ho. ly. fuck. let's get her a stomach pump as a shower gift.

jesus, remember how sick i got just when she came to visit us in ottawa? no special occasion, and still i did shots until it hurt even to blink the next day. i couldn't even go for brunch, remember? very sick.

in closing, faaaaaaaaack, whooooo! party in calgary!

spanky.